The Glamorous Grind
Where grit meets glamour, and the law is always in style.
Hosted by attorneys Ilona Antonyan and Mila Arutunian of Antonyan Miranda LLP, The Glamorous Grind delivers bold conversations at the intersection of law, lifestyle, and mindset.
Each episode features riveting stories from inside the courtroom, celebrity interviews, and real-life legal battles that shape lives and headlines. From empowerment and entrepreneurship to manifestation and vision boards, we explore the hustle behind the glam with fearless insight.
No topic is off-limits! Expect unfiltered talk on relationships, mental health, success strategies, and building your legacy.
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The Glamorous Grind
Surviving to Thriving: Life After Narcissistic Abuse
Podcast host Lindsay Abernathy joins Ilona and Mila to discuss the hidden epidemic of domestic abuse, emotional manipulation, and the failures of the family court system.
Lindsay — host of Bitch Is A Bad Word — shares her personal survival story and explains why silence is dangerous, how trauma bonds form, and what “pink flags” really mean. From love bombing and gaslighting to corruption in courtrooms, Lindsay speaks out for every woman who’s ever felt stuck, unheard, or afraid to leave.
🔥 Topics covered:
- Love bombing, trauma bonds & emotional abuse
- Recording arguments: survival or red flag?
- Flying monkeys, pink flags & the “narc vault”
- Family court manipulation & legal system weaponization
- The cost of silence & importance of speaking up
- Support networks: BFF Alliance & One Safe Place
This episode isn’t just a conversation — it’s a call to action. Whether you’re a survivor, an ally, or a legal professional, this one will stay with you.
🔗 If you're questioning your relationship, you’re not alone. Help is out there.
📌 Follow @glamorousgrindpodcast for more episodes.
🎙️ Guest: Lindsay Abernathy, host of Bitch Is A Bad Word
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🎙️ Hosts: Ilona Antonyan & Mila Arutunian
📲 Follow us on IG: @glamorousgrindpodcast
He had done worst things physically to me, but I had just made the decision that I'm going to believe him. Welcome to.
Speaker 2:The Glamorous Grind.
Speaker 3:Our past few episodes have touched on centers that are taking strides to help survivors of domestic violence, but today we want to focus on an individual who is doing the same.
Speaker 1:I am a podcaster. I have a podcast called Bitch is a Bad Word and we shine light on the dark epidemic of domestic abuse.
Speaker 2:Our guest has built a platform for survivors of abuse to tell their own stories.
Speaker 1:When you're being love bombed is actually most likely a trauma bond.
Speaker 2:She's taken her trauma and turned it into a toolkit.
Speaker 1:I spent a very long time with the family court system being my abuser's playground.
Speaker 3:She's the host. Of Bitch is a Bad Word. Lindsay Abernathy.
Speaker 2:Lindsay, thank you so much for joining us today. This is such a privilege. So now we are going to play Red Flag, green flag Notice the flags are very glamorous and sparkly. We're going to talk about things that could happen in relationships and you let us know if it's a red flag or a green flag, and why.
Speaker 3:Green flag or red flag? Your boyfriend asks you to quit your job and travel with him around the world. He's going to pay for everything before you have children.
Speaker 2:Sounds personal.
Speaker 3:Red flag. What Sounds great, set me up.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I'd say it's a red flag If it's happening soon and super fast. I would imagine that this person is love bombing you and they're not giving you an opportunity to take a beat and see who they truly are and they want everything to be fast and furious and glamorous and you need to be able to say this is kind of nuts, Like why this is way too fast. I guess it could go green if, when you say I think this is going too fast, I need to take a minute, that they say they respect the boundary, but I think anything that's just like wham bam, sweep you off your feet. I think it's a red flag.
Speaker 2:Okay, red flag or green flag Partner notices your boundaries without you even telling them what they are. This is a green flag.
Speaker 1:A cute green flag. I love that.
Speaker 2:It happens, ladies, it happens. I think nowadays, with you know the widespread knowledge and education, I think there are a lot more men and women who are more cognizant of the other party's emotions and love languages and really try to make happy relationships I think that's how my boyfriend locked me down and love languages and really try to make happy relationships.
Speaker 3:I think that's how my boyfriend locked me down. He gave me my space when I was like, hey, I kind of need you to leave or let me do my thing, and that won me over.
Speaker 1:You think like you need that big, barbaric guy who just like blasts through your boundaries. And the guy who's like, being sweet and cool is like you need the sweet and cool is like uh-uh, you need the sweet and cool guy. It doesn't mean he can't protect you. I mean he's probably he's not gonna hurt you and he's probably going to protect you.
Speaker 3:But I say this too this guy is never gonna give you those butterflies in your stomach and you're gonna think he's boring as fuck but here's the thing at this point in my dating career my girlfriends were like just you don't have to look at whether he has a good body or if he has hair, just you know, find a good guy stop me.
Speaker 1:This guy is gonna send out all the butterflies and all the alarms. But that is your body, literally, because your gut knows before. Your head is saying the vibes are not vibing, run like hell. He is dangerous. But you're like, oh, it's my, I'm gonna change him emotionally, regulate myself around this person, he must be amazing.
Speaker 2:Red flag or green flag, you feel you have to record your arguments to protect your memory of a conflict, because later the conflict gets transformed into something you don't recall.
Speaker 1:Red flag. They are gaslighting the fuck out of you. They're gaslighting you so much that you start gaslighting yourself. You're like this didn't happen. So when you are having to record the conversation or you're having to like, remember this, remember this. Remember this has happened. It's absolutely a pathological person emotionally abusing you and we have to raise the bar. And I have said that I set the bar so low with my ex that I tripped over it. I fell into the wall, hit my eye, caused a bruise that he actually had caused and I blamed it on the wall. We are setting the bar so low with these pathological people that we are tripping over the bar that we're setting and we are giving them this opportunity to continue to abuse us emotionally.
Speaker 3:Many clients I have now. When I meet with them, I don't know how to get through to them say, hey, leave, don't protect him, protect yourself, protect the kid. But they are not hearing it because they're not there yet.
Speaker 1:I'm finding there's a lack of support and understanding for women or victims that need a true team of trauma-informed lawyers. You need a trauma-informed therapist. Perhaps you need a divorce coach. You need to understand sort of what your, because your barrier to leave is already very difficult. How are you going to strategize the rest of your life? How are you going to strategize the next six months? And I didn't have any of those things lined up and I ended up. You know, I left with $40 in my wallet and I never saw more. I mean, my lawyers made more money than I did. Barrier to success is huge and what I find with women reaching out through our nonprofit and through Bitch is a Bad Word is there's a whole underbelly that I didn't know.
Speaker 1:As a woman of privilege, I don't think a lot of attorneys understand that they don't even make it to the family court or they're in a family court and a jurisdiction like Arkansas or like somewhere completely like run in a different Wild West sort of fashion and women are losing their kids to liars and perpetrators. There's corruption happening, like in certain areas too, where I've spoken to a woman who hasn't seen her child and over 400 days, and because they're the, there's just somebody's in somebody's pocket. And this is happening in the South and I will tell you on a personal experience through family court. A lot of women are scared to go after their ex for the child support. They're scared to like I liken them a snake in the basket and like, when they're quiet and the snake is like there's nothing happening, you're like life is really peaceful right now. I don't really want to rock the boat. I went after my ex.
Speaker 1:When I finally kind of got my head out of I was of like survival mode and realized this is real life. I am entitled to this. I am. I have earned. I said I created great value for our family and he said you took the value with you when you left and you broke up our family and I believed that for a really long time. Then I'm like hold on. There's a comma. After broke up our family comma because you were abusive, I had to leave. It was no longer safe, emotionally or otherwise, for anybody in this environment to stay. It doesn't mean that I should not be taken care of or take what is earned.
Speaker 1:I put a case against him and he sent me a text message and he said drop this case immediately or you and your fellow cunts will see the wrath of me. Because he calls the women on my show the C word. That's his favorite. That's why I dropped my episodes, by the way, on Tuesdays, so I can say see you next Tuesday. Every week he made good on the threat and he filed a temporary restraining order against me that protected his wife and his two children. And when you read how he got this, what he said is he said that I promote violence against men on my podcast. So he put the transcript of like the first opening where we were talking about Lorena Bobbitt and Betty Broderick and we said you know, this was reactive abuse. And I actually had an expert, bill Eddy, on talking about reactive abuse on the podcast we need a drink for that yeah.
Speaker 1:So he said and we said you know, if there was me too, or twitter back when lorena bobbitt chopped off his penis, we probably would have discovered there was domestic violence behind the act. I don't think she just went out of nowhere and just went psycho and did it. Then I talk about Betty Broderick, which is also a hot topic in our area. But she didn't do these things. These women did the wrong thing, they committed crimes and they have to pay for those crimes. So, yes, I don't support that at all. The topic of the episode was what happens in reactive abuse, like how do we stop, how do we get women to leave, before something like lives are altered forever, when they're being abused time and time and time again, where they just lose it?
Speaker 2:so in this restraining order he says that I promote violence against men so you mean he said he took exactly what you said, he took it out of context and used it against you.
Speaker 1:Shocker, yeah shock and he didn't leave the last. He actually left out the wrong, the last part where we said this was wrong. Like you know, we don't condone this. He makes this a threat. You know, drop the case against me or you'll see. Then I happen to be in the vista courthouse getting my diso file for the other case, my family law file um, because it was protected and I see him and my kids there and I say like what the hell are they? Why are they here? And so my young kid's. I say what the hell are they doing? Why are they here? My young kid's like mama, mama. I go what are you guys doing? He looks at me and I just knew like something. They walk out. I go to the clerk. I said is there anything else that's been filed as of today? She said yes, a restraining order against you. Seeing my children, I'm going to have a hard time with this. The last time I saw my kids was in the family. It was in the courthouse in Vista, when they said Mama. And I said you guys, you need, you need to leave, you don't need to be here. What are you doing? And I look at him like what are you doing? Is that in 2022?
Speaker 1:This just happened in March and because he had planned it so perfectly for it was like his long weekend. Then. Then it was spring break and then the courtroom was dark for a week. I didn't see my kids for 24 days. I could not go to their school, I could not access, I was completely forbidden and I was like from seeing my kids. So I filed ex parte.
Speaker 1:I went to the judge and I said your Honor, he's like I think that this is a ploy for him to be able to take the kids. Here's the text message where he says says if I don't drop this case against, and he's, the judge is like well, I don't really see how that's a threat. I don't really see. And in that moment was the last day of school before spring break. My ex said sorry, I couldn't come in person because I was just dropping my kids off from school.
Speaker 1:At school, I leave the courtroom and I get an email from the school saying that they hadn't been taken to school. You know, like an absentee thing, I go right back and I'm banging on the judges like I know that that's not OK, but I'm like I don't care, I'm going to be a hyper woman here and I'm like banging on the chambers like yes, and I said we were just in court. He just lied to you and said that he was dropping the kids off at school. Look he off at school, look he wasn't. And they go. Okay, like we'll see you monday, I will. We'll revisit this case on monday. The judge asked him he's gaslighting the judge, I'm listening. He's like gaslighting the judge. This judge sort of lets it go. I'm like this if the only thing you have in court is like your is honor, is your truth, like you have is telling truth.
Speaker 3:See, unfortunately, people take an oath under penalty of perjury and people lie and sometimes the court doesn't enforce it, although if they think it was punished, more less people would be lying and causing the others to have to prove and disprove what the real truth is.
Speaker 1:I didn't see the kids for 24 days. I had to prove my innocence. I had seven witnesses. The day that he chose that I had this home invasion was like the greatest day ever, because it was a planned birthday celebration for me, so it was the most documented day that I'd had. So, but Uber receipts I wrote graphs like here's where I started, here's where we ended. Uber receipts, restaurant reservations photographs, four witnesses in person, my producer of my podcast to show that we don't promote violence against men in court for an eight hour day to prove that I didn't do it During that 24 days.
Speaker 1:He also claimed that I broke the restraining order. So then there was a contempt charge against me and I'm like and the contempt? The contempt charge was she saw us at the beach and then we saw her running away. And then I'm like okay, well, hold on on its face like I was. If I really was there at the beach, at a public place and you saw me running away, I was not in contempt, I was honoring the restraining order. I left, but again, I had ring camera footage of where I was on, nowhere near the beach, he claimed. But he could just lie, did he ever get punished?
Speaker 2:No, this is what I'm talking about when I say that I feel like the court system, especially on the family law side, protects wrongdoings sometimes.
Speaker 3:Here's how it works. See, the court system is backed up. There are so many people that have problems that the judges need to deal with. The judges have packed calendars that have problems that the judges need to deal with, and the judges have packed calendars, and the problem is that it takes about 60 to 90 days for you to have a 20 to 40 minute hearing before the court For domestic violence matters. Those take priority, so the judge puts them in advance of everything else. But from the time someone files a restraining order over the counter, the next hearing may be in 21 to 25 days potentially, and unfortunately you may not see your kid. You can go ex parte and try to get visitation rights If there is a good cause and if you have proof, so that you don't have to wait those 21 days, but you have to be good at presenting evidence and show that. Oh, you shouldn't be waiting until the actual day in court three weeks later.
Speaker 1:And imagine, like his only witness right, his only witness is his wife. I'm like, how do I, how is I was? I learned so much in this experience? And I even said to the judge I was like how do I get my time back with my young kids? And he's like, well, hopefully you guys can work that out. Like clearly, this is not a working out kind of relationship.
Speaker 1:I just are we all on the same page, that we don't work well together. And you know, I have to always say too, like when people get labeled high conflict we were labeled by our attorneys as high conflict. I realize now later it only takes one person to create the conflict, it doesn't mean that both people are. And in that moment I thought I've just lost my kids. For all these days I was a wreck, I couldn't function. And then I speak to women who are going Lindsay, I haven't seen my kids in 300 days. I haven't seen my kids in two days. I haven't seen my kids in two years I haven't seen. There's a whole, like I said, underbelly that's happening. That is so scary that for me going after my husband for this child support seems dangerous.
Speaker 3:Hundreds of thousands of people that are in the same situation, that either need new restraining orders or have hearings pending, and all those people would love to have an attorney. An attorney was going to fight for them, present their case because they're not in a condition to be able to gather their evidence together and make a case for themselves because they're emotional. Even I, as an attorney, probably be better off having an attorney in court than litigating for yourself, because when it concerns you, your children, your life, you come at it from a completely different perspective than you may be in your profession or normal life. So hundreds of thousands, millions of people who need legal assistance. They cannot afford it. In fact, over 75% of all litigants who have attorneys at some point become self-represented at some point in litigation because people cannot afford lawyers.
Speaker 3:And then there are volunteer organizations who have limited resources and who may not have the most experienced attorneys. They have good hearts but they may not be so strong in court. They haven't done as many restraining orders. They may not be able to give you such good strategic advice as those who litigate all the time be able to give you such good strategic advice as those who litigate, you know, all the time. So there's limitation of available attorneys, affordable attorneys, and then you're restricted by the backed up court system and people who go through domestic violence issues. They need a lot of attention and they may want to talk to their lawyer all the time about things that maybe, from financial perspective, it's best to talk to a therapist about. And other free sources are available and, you know, one of the places we partnered up with is one safe place which I was so glad to hear. They can help anyone, no matter if you're rich or poor.
Speaker 2:There are organizations that can help at no cost, and once they've one of them Only to a certain point.
Speaker 3:To a certain point, some people can't afford an attorney.
Speaker 2:There's just no way they don't qualify for a loan. There's absolutely no way they can afford counsel. And what do they do from there?
Speaker 1:We actually just partnered with them as well.
Speaker 2:I was thinking about that, that you guys would be great partners we met with her.
Speaker 1:We just have to, like, sign the MOU, but the same thing just or for a place, mostly so that we have women who come to us, because you know we're nonprofits, we have limited funding, but I have a place. Now I can send someone a BFF right away.
Speaker 3:What do you do to help them? Let's say somebody. How did someone reach you who is a victim of domestic violence?
Speaker 1:and how can you help them. For BFF Alliance, we are like an underground resource, so our marketing is like very word of mouth, qr code style, and we're a boutique organization offering services to women who are like I don't want to talk about TV, you know with their like bloody face and you're like, okay, well, you are abused. No, I'm not. Okay, well, let's get you the help you need.
Speaker 1:So what, we are all word of mouth and what I offer is just like a landline. I'm going to be your, I'm going to speak to you, I'm going to help you understand, like, get you through the trauma. I'm going to be your best friend for a little bit and we're going to get you down to a point where your regulation of emotions are very high. And let's help you understand. I'm, my job is to help this woman, not go back, and I'm going to share with you the reasons why you shouldn't go back and let me help you just as your friend. And then we're going to see what do you need you need a lawyer, or what are your resources? What are your opportunities? Do you have access to funds? Do you not have access to funds? So only now that we have this partnership with One Safe Place, can I and also feel really good. By the way, I love them because it is a beautiful location, it doesn't feel clinical, or you know, I love the like children's room and the
Speaker 3:children therapy room.
Speaker 2:It's amazing like a little um medical suite and you know, in-house too, which I love, it feels approachable right and it feels accessible.
Speaker 1:Yes, it does, and so for us at. You know, when we are speaking to someone, a lot of times again, women are. They're not ready to acknowledge that. This is where they are.
Speaker 3:It takes time, yes, a lot of therapy.
Speaker 1:Well and we say this too, like if you're an affluent woman and I'm not saying that like we will help anybody but where I realized that there was like a missing piece is you have done such a good job as an abused woman to lie to everybody in your life about what is happening. So then you also are walking around with this giant scarlet letter that you feel like I've just told everybody my life is amazing. I'm sitting at Rancho Valencia with all my friends. I'm not sitting there like how fucked up did you get by your husband?
Speaker 2:But the stronger you are, the less you want to victimize yourself, right. Like the stronger woman don't want to go around and talk about how horrible their lives. It's about shame.
Speaker 1:It's yeah, it's about shame, but you're not talking about it. You're like so then, when you come out, people are like, well, this is weird. Like all of a sudden, tina's talking about abuse. Well, this seems, oh, she's probably just doing it so she can get more money. Like there's so much like stigma on this, that like why we're not making it safe for women to come out look at Cassidy like look, what's happening right now? This no one's making it safer for women to come out and speak up.
Speaker 3:You know we're not saying well, I think what I mean? Safer? I mean you either are the type of a person who is gonna tell your story and share what's happening with you, or your private person and you keep it to yourself, right, right, you may tell your friends, you may tell your mom. I think most people tell somebody.
Speaker 2:But I think that can change. I think you can be private. I mean, I had a situation in my family where a woman was abused for many years and then, by the time she felt that she was comfortable to come out and, you know, leave her abusive spouse. No one believed her. Everyone's like, oh, like you're the problem. Yeah, you need to not talk back.
Speaker 1:Well, and then he'll remember the whole, the second you decide to share that person because they are so good, they're already and they probably have for years been doing the silent smear campaign against you and planting. They've got the you know the flying monkey that goes back and reports.
Speaker 3:Give us a definition of your new term flying monkey.
Speaker 1:I have a bitchinary. Oh hey, you can go to my show and look, but we have a bitchinary, which is a glossary of all these terms. I try to make?
Speaker 2:Is that book?
Speaker 1:for sale on Amazon. It will be Everything I ever saw about abuse when I was Googling. I remember, like sitting in the bathroom, like on my phone, and is this an abusive relationship? Ok, yes it is. I don't really need to Google. If you're Googling, are you an abusive relationship? The answer is yes. I can just save you the search history that they'll use against you later anyway. But and you're monitored. I have 100 percent. They're monitoring you. But it's like I'm trying to break it down to a level of like. I'm not making light of it because it's a light subject. I'm trying to use like humor is my trauma response. I'm trying to make it approachable and I'm trying to make it be like okay, this is what this looks like.
Speaker 1:So a flying monkey is usually a perpetrator, or like a pathological person has that one negative advocate, the enabler that enables the bad behavior. So let's say it's the mother-in-law and he's gone to her like, oh God, she's so crazy, she was losing her mind last night Meanwhile. So the mother's coming over, you know, immediately being like what are you doing to my son? Like, why are you like you? And then you're sitting there and you're like but last night he was beating me up and he was calling me the C word. And then that little, that person, the negative advocate, is the flying monkey, just like in Wizard of Oz, who flies in reports back to the Wicked Witch All the shit you said. So that person can like package it all up and re throw it in your face and then they look at how dare you talk about our personal life to my family?
Speaker 3:Can you tell me your top favorite five words from?
Speaker 1:Bitchinary Okay, flying monkey a million percent Masturbators. The narc vaults that's where they keep all of your secrets and your vulnerabilities. Hoovering that's like we could have a second series where we talk about what hoovering looks like. It's just like a vacuum, so they're just like sucking you up into this bath, like into this vortex, if you will. And then, really, pink flags it's like the pink flag is what we all want so desperately to not be red. But it's just because it's faded, because your abuser has used the shit out of it, and it's like crinkled up and they're like look, it's not red, it's just old and used and washed up and dirty. It is still red and you need to recognize it as your reason to leave.
Speaker 2:When you said pink flag, I knew exactly what it meant, without you even explaining it.
Speaker 1:You're like. Those are at least five and you know, I think, what people one of the um, the a and bitchinary is not even a word, it's a question, and a pathological person will ask you this all the time. And if this is being asked, then you need to understand that this person is not good for you. Are you crazy? If you ever are with somebody and you're having a conversation and you're trying to recount the argument that just happened last night and it's a very black and white argument Like you got mad at me because I didn't buy whole milk. I bought the only thing left, which was 2% milk, and I know you really like whole milk, but I don't have that available to you, so your coffee's going to suck tomorrow, tomorrow, but I love you. Can we work this out?
Speaker 1:You are worthless. You can't do anything right. I gave you a list and you couldn't follow the list and also you're a bad mom and none of your friends like you and you're kind of fat and you were cute when I met you, but now you're not so much and all this that they do, and then the next day you wake up and you're sad and you feel really worthless and you want to approach that person and, mind you, you're having like cutting your feet on the eggshells that you're walking on towards their location in your home to say, hey, so can we talk about what happened last night. It really hurt me when you said are you crazy? You're crazy, are you crazy? I didn't say that. That didn't happen at all. Oh, oh, here you go. So you, you know what actually happened and then they're going to start a whole new fight which they don't care about, to make you forget about this other fight and to exhaust you. So if your partner is asking you on the regs, are you crazy? You are most likely in it.
Speaker 3:It's so much better to be single.
Speaker 1:Avoid all this drama, yes or we like go look at, are we dating the same guy?
Speaker 3:san diego, make sure that your guy isn't like on there yeah, I'm telling you my ex was, and I think he also abused his wife after me that he married also very quickly, within six months the strangulation piece is important for your listeners too, because it's the number one predictor of homicide.
Speaker 1:So if your partner has strangled you and there's a lot of things coming out from even the district attorney's office here in San Diego that if you have been strangled and at any point have lost any consciousness, you should go and get a head scan because there are post strangulation effects that can happen. There's also post strangulation death that can occur. So they strangle you, you lose consciousness and then you, like you, die the next day. But if your partner has put their hands around your neck at any point to restrict your access to breathing which means breaking it, dumbing it down like I like to trying to unalive you, to cut you off from air, they are more likely than not to eventually kill you.
Speaker 3:And you know, like I said, that's why I ended my very short marriage. And the first time he did that to me was before my wedding, at a big wedding scheduled with 200 guests coming at the Prado, and I interrupted him while he was steaming a shirt and did that to me and I was scared, obviously so, being a divorce attorney, I had him sign up for domestic violence classes before the wedding to make sure he gets a certificate before, instead of canceling the wedding.
Speaker 1:Of course, you know you're like he graduated top of his class from the domestic violence course. So that was stupid, but I was trying to take action.
Speaker 3:What would be a court order? Oh, get somebody to do some classes. That didn't work, because you know, within four months of our marriage, aside from other incidents, he did that and worse and I thought I'm not going to see my mother again.
Speaker 3:I thought that was it, and you know, that's when I filed for divorce the next day and people are like, why are you only married for four months? Well, that's why. But I was always, I'm always thinking like, if it happened to me, I'm certain it happened to women after me and I wouldn't be surprised if one day I Googled and found that it didn't end well with someone else.
Speaker 1:Tigers don't change their stripes right, they're going to keep doing it. And we perpetuate the violence by staying silent, so we allow it. So I will tell you even a lot of history, myself included. When there's like, oh well, look, they were in trouble for domestic violence before, but there's this long window where they've done nothing so they're rehabilitated. Most likely that those people in between this moment and this moment never reported it. So unreported abuse is massive and just because you didn't report it doesn't mean it didn't happen and we say on like on bitch is a bad word. I'm like there's no safety in staying silent because this is what's getting people killed.
Speaker 3:I'm a lawyer. But I stayed silent because when the police came and I had red marks all over my neck and I'm sure they have videos and everything I told them. I didn't want to prosecute because I didn't want him to lose his license, because I felt sorry for him at the time not for myself, right, and I think a lot of people do that.
Speaker 3:And there is no website where you put those people's name in so that other women can see. And the legal risk is that if you do, they can sue you for defamation or whatever. In my case, for example, I would have the police, evidence and documentation. They actually came and there's photos, videos. They took body cam videos. But for those who don't call the police, there is a fear factor in stating someone's name publicly right somewhere else unless it's through law enforcement. I want to say until proven guilty, they're innocent, right so?
Speaker 2:this is coming from a strong-ass woman who has a doctorate degree and is an attorney and is like absolutely fearless. This woman is fearless. She just like has no limitations at all. I've never seen anything like it. I mean, imagine people who are not like that it can happen.
Speaker 1:I mean, you're such a great case in point because it can happen to anyone, like domestic violence, sees, no, you know, color, creed, lifestyle, financial, whatever. It's an epidemic, I believe, and I think it's our country, or maybe our planet's national health crisis and, thank God, people are talking about it. You know we're getting out there and we are taking you know I take a big risk, always sharing my story and having the show and, believe me, there is always some sort of cease and desist. I'm going to go on tour, by the way, my podcast is going to go on tour and it's going to be called the cease and desist tour because I can talk about it in every city and I want to get the word out there, especially to the younger generation, to like, understand these red flags and before it gets bad.
Speaker 1:And you know, education is obviously what people need. To be like you. You need to destigmatize it. We need to educate women and to say you know what you, you can, you should leave and this isn't safe. And I also love to talk about just quickly, if you're in a situation like I, I'm listening to you talk about your marriage, your night before your wedding. Do not try to have a birthday, a holiday, a Christmas, a promotion, a good day with a pathological or narcissistic person, because they love to ruin it Like every single good opportunity that you could have for yourself. They will fuck it up. They're like I'm so excited.
Speaker 1:Like that's the day they're going to be crying. That's the day that they're going to have the catastrophe, that's the day they have the worst day ever. And you start learning these patterns of how these people are and you're like. If they can't celebrate you or have like, allow you to have any of these good moments early on, those are the flags that we need to start recognizing and walk away and say you know, I'm raising women. I have two daughters. I'm teaching them to not be nice. You don't need to be nice. Speak up for yourself, say no, but also leave the date when the like get up. Don't like. You don't owe anybody any explanation you have. We have lost our autonomy and if you lose your autonomy early on, you're going to lose all financial autonomy, everything else to say you're like a dick and I'm leaving right now.
Speaker 1:You don't even actually say that. But if somebody starts throwing the flags, get up and walk out.
Speaker 2:Value your time because, again, again, we do have one life to live I think a lot of women like want to see the best in people. I do want to say one thing that I want to point out here, because you talked about being a stay-at-home mom and how special that is, and I have a lot of friends who are stay-at-home moms and I just want to say that like there is a lot of beauty in that and there is a lot of beauty in like not having to be an independent woman If you have a spouse or a partner that respects you and loves you and actually appreciates the value that you bring without working.
Speaker 1:Well, and can I say on this, can we normalize changing the conversation to? You married each other and you're both working. You've decided to stay at home. How can we normalize the conversation? To say this might be a good idea for us to have a new contract. We're going to do like, if I'm on, if I'm not earning, cause. Remember, if a man is content, like a man never changes his station in life, he doesn't change his hormones. He doesn't change Like nothing changes. We've changed a hundred times having babies, or hormones are changing, all these things and we're not working. He's out working. His network is growing, his bank account is growing, his ability to keep earning is growing.
Speaker 1:You exit the workforce. Unless you are and maybe even an attorney couldn't do this you're not going to reenter the workforce 10 years later at the same level that you exited and your competition is huge. You might have like, like you know, aged out of new technology or whatever it was. You doesn't guarantee that you're going to be able to earn the way that you earned. So maybe we should normalize the conversation between partners or endorse women to say, hey, I do want to stay at home, but this, this is the reality. I am going to be losing my resources, my connection, my Friday night cocktail, like all the things. Let's just have a new deal, let's have a new contract.
Speaker 3:It doesn't have to be a, it's got to be a written contract not an oral contract Because otherwise, with oral contracts, you have limited time after separation to file a Marvin action in civil court, which you know you have to pay lawyers per hour and you're going to spend over $150,000, probably out of pocket.
Speaker 1:And a healthy person, a healthy partner, will not have any problem with you asking for this.
Speaker 2:Like, if you love someone and empathize with them, you will empathize with the difficulty that that person is facing and having to leave that identity behind to create this new identity. A and B. The difficulty of being a stay-at-home parent, because I see this both with. It's a huge job. It is, I always say, like being a mom is my second shift and it's much harder than being a lawyer. I come home and there's no negotiation. People want what they want and every time I turn around, someone has pooped needs to eat, throws up Like they're out of something and you have to Amazon it. There is absolutely no break from being that. Whereas in the office you can close your door, put it on D&D and take five minutes to breathe, you don't do that at home. You can't even pee in peace. Cheers to that. Love it. Thank you so much, my pleasure. If this episode resonated with you, please don't forget to like and subscribe and we'll see you next week on the Glamorous Grind.
