The Glamorous Grind

What No One Tells You About Leaving the Military

• Ilona Antonyan, Mila Arutunian • Season 2 • Episode 11

Share episode

Reach Out Here

What happens after our heroes return home?

In this episode of The Glamorous Grind, we sit down with Dr. Gerald P. Porter—veteran, senior USPS executive, and advocate for North County Veterans Stand Down. We uncover the often-invisible battles veterans face once they leave the military: PTSD, homelessness, unemployment, incarceration, and fractured families.

🎖️ From personal stories to systemic failures, we explore:

  • Why so many veterans struggle with re-entry into civilian life
  • The alarming rise of homeless women veterans
  • Legal and mental health challenges that go unaddressed
  • The heartbreaking connection between divorce, trauma, and identity loss
  • Real solutions from real advocates changing lives

💥 Plus, our signature “Red Flag / Green Flag” segment takes on discrimination in housing, employment, and support systems for veterans.

This episode isn’t just about awareness—it’s about action.

👉 If you or someone you love is a veteran navigating post-military life, this episode is a must-watch.

🔔 Subscribe for more meaningful conversations at the intersection of justice, glam, and real life.

Want more glam during your grind?

New episodes every Tuesday. Make sure you are subscribed on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts.

🎙️ Hosts: Ilona Antonyan & Mila Arutunian
📲 Follow us on IG: @glamorousgrindpodcast

Mila:

Coming out of the military they feel strong. They don't think they need mental health help, but a lot of them have seen a lot of things and do have PTSD.

Ilona:

Veterans, after serving our country, are having problems getting housing or can't pay their bills. Aren't they supposed to receive benefits? You know, veterans' disability that should help them pay for some of those life necessities.

Dr. Porter:

That's a great question.

Ilona:

Welcome to the Glamorous Grind where grit meets glamour and justice wears a badge of honor.

Mila:

Today we're looking at what happens to our veterans after they serve.

Ilona:

Many of our nation's heroes come home only to face invisible battles with trauma, homelessness or even incarceration and a divorce.

Dr. Porter:

Commitment to the military, not to the family. I think that's one of the biggest ones. They want to stay with the military. That's their first love, not their family. And next, you know, you find them divorced.

Mila:

Our guest today has seen those battles up close, both as a veteran and as a champion for those transitioning from combat zones into their new civilian lives.

Dr. Porter:

You had a steady paycheck. Now you don't have that anymore. But somehow you can find drugs, you can buy alcohol and you'll find yourself in trouble.

Ilona:

Please welcome Dr Gerald P Porter, Senior Executive at USPS. He's a proud member of Veterans of Foreign Wars and an advocate with the North County Veterans Stand Down Association.

Mila:

Porter, thank you so much for joining us today. It's just such a privilege to have you. I mean, we have such a huge veterans community here in San Diego that I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to have you come on and just kind of talk about some of the issues that veterans face.

Dr. Porter:

Oh, thank you.

Ilona:

And you know, being in San Diego with a large military community as a divorce attorney, I see a lot of them going through a divorce, having custody issues and facing other challenges, including mental health challenges that you helped them with. How did you get started with the?

Dr. Porter:

military. First of all, my father was one of the first pilots. He crashed his plane back in the early 40s. He was at Army Air Corps. Then my uncles and my sister joined Desert Shield Desert Storm, so I wanted to follow in those steps.

Ilona:

You served for over 21 years.

Dr. Porter:

Yes, 21 years.

Ilona:

And you said you went to Kuwait. What other places have you been, oh?

Dr. Porter:

wow, I've been to Guam, africa, philippines, thailand, korea. Wow, a small island called Haneara. Wow, black sand, beautiful place.

Ilona:

Black sand, black sand beautiful place, black sand, black sand, like real black sand.

Dr. Porter:

Real black sand what color is the water. The water Blue, green, turquoise.

Ilona:

Yeah, what do you do now?

Dr. Porter:

Right now I'm a senior executive with the United States Postal Service. I handle medium and large companies anywhere up to $50 million.

Ilona:

And where do you volunteer?

Dr. Porter:

North County Standout, great, great spot. Master Sergeant Matt Foster sponsored it about maybe 10 years ago. He saw so many people that needed assistance on the street of San Diego and North County, oceanside, and he said you know what, let's get together. So one of the founders of Green Oaks Ranch said hey, you know what? I have a 134-acre community helping drug and alcohol-addicted individuals. How about you bring veterans here and we help them with transitioning into some type of program? Well, that program started with just helping a couple of veterans to now helping over 1,000 veterans.

Dr. Porter:

We have doctors that come in to help, veterinarians that come out. We have pet care. So if an individual has pets, some reason, we find out a lot of people homeless have pets. Well, they need care, just like the human counterpart. We have people that need legal services. That's one of the biggest things that I found with homeless veterans loitering, camping, urinating, those fines. Last year a judge came and he removed that. He forgave them for that. People don't want to do those things but they have no other choice. It's not like you're on the street of PB, you know Pacific Beach and you have a bathroom right there, it's locked.

Mila:

It's locked at night, you know.

Dr. Porter:

So that's what we do, and that's one of the things I love. We try our best to try to find them a place. Even if we can't find a place, at least we can try to point them in the right direction Sometimes Father Joe's temporary community service or even a hotel for a few days, and that's what we usually do.

Ilona:

And why do veterans, after serving our country, aside from mental health issues, are having problems getting housing or can't pay their bills. Aren't they supposed to receive benefits? You know veterans disability, other income that should help them pay for some of those life necessities.

Dr. Porter:

That's a great question and I'm going to go back now Now. From birth I've always had a mom, dad, and I grew up they told me what to do, when to do, what time to come in. Then I enlisted in the military. They told me when to get up, when to eat, when to go to the bathroom. So I was always in this bubble.

Dr. Porter:

We call it institutionalized. It's almost even equivalent to being in prison. Someone is always telling you what to do. So you didn't have any responsibilities like paying bills or be responsible for making sure this is done. So when you transition out, it's hard. No one really tells you how to pay a bill. No one really tells you how you're responsible for this. You're responsible to get up to find a job. You're responsible to understand that this coworker wants you to do this job. And then here you're trying to figure out how do you navigate that? Some people get out in San Diego, don't understand when they were in Arkansas. The rent is not $1,500 a month for a house, it's a lot more and they end up finding themselves sleeping with a friend or a person's house and then, next thing you know, they're at home, into a car, into a camper and all of a sudden. Now they're in front of the police.

Ilona:

What about drugs? Is that part of it a lot?

Dr. Porter:

I think what happens is it's not drugs, it's the environment. They're in you. You had a steady paycheck. Now you don't have that anymore, but somehow you can find drugs, you can find alcohol and you'll find yourself in trouble say I always say this that, like in russia, veterans are treated like royalty.

Ilona:

Yes, they were teachers yeah, even when they already retired and they're not in the military. Like my, grandfather had tons of medals he used to wear and they were highly honored.

Dr. Porter:

Yeah, we're still honored. We're still honored. It's just the transitional period. If we knew about programs, so we had people to help us with programs. A 38 year old man who's been living in military housing has been always been taken care of by the by the military. If you show him or her how to navigate life, that individual may not find themselves divorced in your court or in your hearing. You may find that individual be able to navigate life.

Dr. Porter:

I got out in Guam Okay, so I didn't know anything about here. I applied to over a hundred different jobs, I took pre-tests and still, when I got here, I was homeless for nine days Nine days I'm trying to figure this out and I was going through a divorce. So I had three kids living in a house that I could barely pay the mortgage because I had saved up some money but didn't have a job. So I had to take whatever came to me. It was a little security job that I had. Even whatever that came to me, it was a little security job that I had. Even though I had a master's degree, I was getting finished, about to start on my doctorate, but I couldn't do anything because I didn't know how to interact with individuals. I didn't know how to do an interview. No one taught me how to interview. I got in front of a sergeant or a commander and I responded yes, sir, yes, ma'am.

Ilona:

Why don't they teach that in military before they let you out?

Dr. Porter:

They try to do that with a class. That's a transitional assistant program, but you're doing your job also. So they say, oh, you know what, take off for a couple of days and here's a pamphlet. They don't do any like dry runs of interviewing. They say, oh, here's what you should do, these are the programs here's of interviewing. They say, oh, here's what you should do, these are the programs. There's GI jobs and so forth. That's why if you see most military, most veterans, you'll probably see here in California, especially in San Diego, government workers. Because that camaraderie or law enforcement camaraderie, you don't see too many veterans out there saying you know, I'm going to be an attorney, I'm going to be doing something else, because we don't know how to fit, and I think that's what you're saying. How, why don't we teach people how to fit in society? And I think we're trying to get better? But it's really hard, especially when you're in a remote spot.

Ilona:

It seems like maybe teaching people about a transition from military world into real world when you now have responsibilities like paying rent, utilities and other things you haven't done before. Maybe it's too late at that point. That should be taught in school, at elementary school level. Children should understand how money works, what saving money is, what investing money is and how the world really works. It should be part of our general education, I think.

Mila:

I agree that those should be taught in school, but I think that a lot of it is practical right. You have to kind of learn through living and unfortunately, because they are institutionalized people in the military, they come out and even if they had learned those skills in school, I think the transition would be difficult, especially considering I mean people coming out of the military and serving. They have a huge level of mental health issues and I think a big problem that we haven't really touched on yet is the fact that they either don't have sufficient support to push that treatment, because a lot of people come out of the military and let's be real, like men coming out of the military they feel strong, they don't think they need mental health help, but a lot of them have seen a lot of things and do have PTSD or depression or anxiety and also just not knowing how to handle that transition. You know adds on to that I mean what I've seen and you know I know Porter because he helps me a lot whenever I have clients who come to me and this happens often in the employment field, where veterans come back and they try to get a normal job and unfortunately they've never had a normal job. They've always been institutionalized and they try to work this eight to five and like.

Mila:

They have attitudes sometimes or they are triggered by something or another thing and maybe it's because of a disability that they have, like PTSD, but the employer doesn't know that they have PTSD and probably the veterans themselves don't know that they have PTSD.

Mila:

They think that's just their attitude, they're just aggressive, and so the employer doesn't know and the veteran doesn't tell them. So the employer has no duty to accommodate as they would any other disability in another case, right? So the employer is like you have an attitude, doesn't work, not a good fit, you're fired. They come to me I'm like oh, this is because of your PTSD, but the employer didn't know, they had no reason to know, they had nothing that they should have done differently. So I send them to Porter and Porter usually helps them through one of these organizations that you're part of, which are great organizations, because technically they don't have any wrongful termination case. But they need help, and they need help first and foremost with their mental health issues, because until they can overcome that and understand why their brain is reacting the way it's reacting, they have no chance of succeeding in any vocation thank you for bringing that up because I was in court this week picking up a family member who suffered from TBI.

Dr. Porter:

traumatic brain injury is a very close family member who didn't know she had traumatic. She knew she had a traumatic brain injury but she. We thought she could cope with society but she couldn't. She ran away from place. She thought she, she, she believes that people are around her. She done two tours of combat in Afghanistan. They killed several of her friends and she's always had that and so she had a lot going on with her and we did what we could to help her. Ba did what they could to help her going on with her and we did what we could to help her. Va did what they could to help her. But sometimes, even with these programs that we have, the individual may still require, you know, intake or need some actually 24-hour care, and who knew a 32 year old woman would need that type of care? But you know, eventually I'm glad the law enforcement intervened. They found out her daughter was malnourished.

Ilona:

Oh, my God.

Dr. Porter:

Malnourished, had been homeless for over three to six months, even though she had support here. She had, you know, she had a lot of support here in San Diego but she refused it because she always thought something was going on. Because she always thought something was going on and I'm glad the court system saw what was going on and said, hey, you know, she needs some help. So they turned her over to me and now I'm going to have the daughter, her daughter, and you know society is going to help us.

Ilona:

And it's not a problem with that. So you're going to be foster parents. Help us, it's not a problem with that, so you're going to be foster parents.

Dr. Porter:

I'm going to temporarily foster her and then after that she'll be turned over to her grandmother. Her grandmother's going to take care of her. But she definitely needed help. She needed some intake support. But, like you said, you said we have all these programs, but it's not just about the programs, it's about the individual. How do we get the individual in? And that's the thing about trying to persuade. You know, I've done it before.

Dr. Porter:

I've gotten her in to seek help, but unfortunately you can only seek for so long. You know they get her out. Okay, she's good to go when she's not. I had a young woman. She had been sexually assaulted. This was a few years ago.

Dr. Porter:

I was helping her with one of the veteran stand downs here and we sat there and talked. She was about 28, 29 years old. She was one of the translators in Iraq, so I knew who she was and I was saying why are you homeless? She said I can't stay because you you know men see me as a object. I'm like men don't see you that. But the military which institutionalized her, saying men are superior to you. And she felt that you know, my sergeant, my gunny sergeant, they're superior to me. So I have to listen to these men. Well, sometimes these men are not right, okay. So in order to help her it wasn't me I actually pointed her in the right direction to other women veterans, and these veterans were able to find her a shelter, get an apartment, even sponsor her mother and her sister from Iraq, and I'm so happy that she's doing better.

Dr. Porter:

But for some reason, when I see homeless veterans veterans I try to figure out what was the background, how, how things happen. But some reason I'm finding more women are being homeless, homeless veterans. We're talking about 22, 23 year old women. They're on the streets. How can we?

Mila:

do this. I can't even believe there's no like real transitional program. Like I feel like legally and maybe this is something that needs to be pitched to the legislature there needs to be some type of transitional period where veterans are taking care of you know, taught vocational skills of some sort, so that they can know what they're doing. If they're institutionalized in this you know system of being in the military, they should come out and have some type of institution that helps them transition out.

Dr. Porter:

That would be. That would be such a blessing if they could do that. Just sit these service members in a room, you know, maybe for a month, go over some mock, mock, mock situations or scenarios and let them know that you know what. It's not like that. You don't have to. You know, stand to attention when your boss comes in the room. You don't have to figure out that. You know what that person is going to attack you. It's not like that.

Mila:

You know if you're in the military.

Dr. Porter:

You're taught camaraderie. You know I have to rely on you. You're going to save my life. I was on a ship. I was camaraderie. You know I have to rely on you. You're going to save my life. I was on a ship, I was on a submarine. I have to rely on that individual. If that individual was not there, we have an issue. Okay, transitioning in in society, it's not the same way you can relax your guard. That's why sometimes people are combative and be like, oh, this guy is a crazy vet. No, it's what triggers them. You know, we don't. We're not taught you know what. We should just calm down, sit down and talk. We're not taught that. We're taught. This person is going to save your life. This person you will listen to and you will be able to see the next day sounds like.

Ilona:

It's like as if somebody's coming from another planet to earth and they have to learn how to live here from another planet to earth and they have to learn how to live here.

Mila:

This reminds me of a podcast I listen to, um, which talks about just the differences between kind of innately, our human nature. We love the fight or flight. That's what we're made for, like back when we were cavemen. That's why we have anxiety. The anxiety is good for us because it tells us when there's a threat and we run. And I think all of those innate characteristics are great when you're in the military. But then it talked about how, like in modern society, all of those characteristics and traits that we had, you know, innately and that were great to us as cavemen, are now not only useless but they're counterintuitive. Our anxiety that we think someone's going to attack us or whatever causes depression.

Ilona:

Don't worry, In a couple of million years it'll pass, We'll be back.

Mila:

No, but it is like I feel like in the military you're taught to kind of have those caveman instincts and then you come out and those instincts are no longer useful to you. In fact, you can't. You can't like explode at a supervisor because you have anxiety and all of these things. Oh wow.

Dr. Porter:

I remember when I first got out, you know, and they gave me a gun oh my goodness, oh, that was just great, you know, but I was a security guard. But, and they gave me a gun oh my goodness, oh, that was just great, but I was a security guard. But I'm thinking I'm top cop. I didn't jump off this and I found out, you know what this gun is actually detrimental to my health. I wanted to be around that gun all the time and I didn't know that. But I was like, oh, you know, I'm safe when I have a gun next to me. No, I'm not, I'm actually safe when I don't have the gun next to me. And then when I finally said, you know what, I need to do something else. So I ended up, you know, getting an orange apron and I was the best Home Depot employee there was, and you know what.

Dr. Porter:

I felt so much at ease. I was around people who actually talked to me. No one yelled at me. I was like this is how society really works. And I'm like this is great. I'm like people are real people out here. You know, no one's looking over your shoulder. No one's going to say you know what if you don't do this. You know the thing's going to fall down on you. It was great, but it took about a year after I got out of the military to understand that. You know this is a calm life. You still have to be aggressive at times, but you don't have to figure that you're fight or flight all the time.

Mila:

Well, what really stood out to me in that story that you just said is how self-aware you were when you realized that I really need to be around this gun and what should I do differently, because this is not good for me. I think that is what separates you from a lot of people who wouldn't understand that about themselves and would continue doing what brought them dopamine, which was being around the gun, because that's what their brain thinks is good for them. So that training, like because, again, not everyone is self-aware, right, and especially again with the mental health issues, with there's pride that goes into it. You know, part of being in the military is you're taught to have pride. You cannot be an active service person and like not be confident and proud. You just can't.

Mila:

So then they come out and they still have that pride. They don't want to be like oh I'm, I'm triggered by this, or like I really feel like I need to be around this gun. No one wants to say that about themselves. So to the extent they don't, that's where things go downhill and that's when they can't hold a job. They end up homeless, all of these things okay. So now we're going to play what's called red flag, green flag, where we are going to give you specific scenarios and you tell us if it's a red flag or a green flag and why. You ready?

Dr. Porter:

I am ready.

Ilona:

Veteran is denied a lease because of his misdemeanor conviction years ago.

Dr. Porter:

That's a red flag. Everyone makes mistakes. Just get the opportunity. Give them the opportunity.

Ilona:

Mila, can they get sued for that? I think they can right.

Mila:

For employment purposes. Being a veteran is a protected class in California, so under the Fair Employment and Housing Act. So with that said, employer hesitant to hire a veteran. Citing adjustment concerns Red flag or green flag.

Dr. Porter:

It depends on the job. Citing adjustment concerns red flag or green flag. It depends on the job Because if you're going to be going into a burning house, you want to have somebody that's stable. That's true. If I want to go rescue a child, I want to make sure that person behind me is going to be there for me if that building falls or something goes on.

Mila:

So I will say that morally it is absolutely a green flag, but legally it is definitely a red flag, because employers are not allowed to discriminate against employees due to veteran status.

Ilona:

Policy-wise, though, I agree with him and his green flag.

Mila:

I agree.

Ilona:

Not just morally but for safety of the society.

Mila:

Well, I think, unless the employer has a reason to believe that the veteran is incapable of performing the job for one reason or another, they can't discriminate on them just because they're a veteran.

Dr. Porter:

I would go with both red green. That's a tough one, because you could always ask for evaluation of a veteran. You can still give the veteran a position and just be evaluated. How about that?

Mila:

Yeah, that's legal. If the position is one that requires, you know, some specific skill set, they can certainly require an evaluation. Okay for sure.

Ilona:

But it has to be neutral and it has to be applied to everyone equally, not just veterans that refuses to go to va for help because they think it's more stressful than just doing it on their own. Ah red flag Swallow your pride.

Dr. Porter:

Yeah, Asking for help. I didn't know how to ask for help. I thought if I was asking for help it would actually hurt me.

Ilona:

How.

Dr. Porter:

Due to the fact that it could go on my record. Oh, if it go on my record and I apply for a position, especially with, say, for instance, with a secret clearance, they're going to see that.

Ilona:

Isn't it confidential? I mean, medical records.

Dr. Porter:

It is not confidential. I think it's confidential.

Mila:

I want to say one thing Asking for help is not weak. Not asking for help when you need help is weak. I think a lot of people in this society fail to fail to recognize that a lot of mental health issues are far greater than us. These are not things that we can handle on our own. So to the person who thinks it's weak to ask for help, think again, because you're being weak by not asking for it.

Ilona:

I think a lot of people believe they're resilient, based on their past experiences and I think they can handle themselves because of their past experiences, and it's not until the point where it's unbearable. Then they kind of give in and try something if it's worth it for them.

Dr. Porter:

Yeah, you just see when people get help when they're in trouble.

Mila:

A local court partners with a nonprofit to host legal aid days at shelters. Green flag.

Dr. Porter:

We do that at North County Standout.

Mila:

We need more of those.

Dr. Porter:

Yeah, if somebody comes by, she is outstanding, Comes by and makes sure she takes care of all the misdemeanor and anything major. She points everyone to the right direction.

Mila:

We need more judges on that.

Dr. Porter:

Yes, I was so happy to have a judge. That was the first time we had a judge there at the facility.

Ilona:

A red flag or a green flag. A woman coming out of military is having a hard time making decisions on her own without a male partner.

Dr. Porter:

That's a red flag. She should be able to do everything on her own with veterans, organizations that could help her, and even family members or friends or even other service members. I feel confident that a woman can do the same thing as a man.

Ilona:

Could you tell us the difference of unique needs that women have once they transition out of military versus man?

Dr. Porter:

What I noticed is women actually can transition easier in society than men. Actually, they would be able to sit down and cope and actually figure out that hey, you know what? I don't have to fight or flight, I can actually sit down well-dressed and do my job. Rather a man maybe a man, or a gunny sergeant, mass sergeant, commander. They're in charge of 200, 300 people and now they come out, they're the peon, they're the smallest person on the planet and they can't. They can't deal with that. But I do see a lot more women transitioning out better than men.

Ilona:

So it's a loss of identity, depending on what their position was for men, but for women you said they're adjusting better. However, you also mentioned there are more women who are homeless, so how do those two go together?

Dr. Porter:

Okay how that usually goes together single moms. They sit in there, they get out, they're in a relationship and all of a sudden the male, the male figure in the family, say you know what? We had all this steady income. Now we don't. So why should I be here here and the father, the dad or the husband is gone. And next you know I'm looking like, wow, you're a single mom.

Dr. Porter:

I had one woman she was actually one of my neighbors. Uh, she was studying to be a doctor. I remember her husband is a nurse and four kids. And all of a sudden she was like you know what? I need to stop this military thing? I'm done. And her husband's like no, you're not, I need to finish. You know nursing, what I need to stop this military thing? I'm done. And her husband's like no, you're not, I need to finish. You know nursing school? I need to do this. I ended up seeing her at the stand down, homeless, hi, I'm like, hold on, did you have four kids? She said all my kids are gone, they're with their dad. He just kicked me out. He's like I don't need you. I'm like how can a mom be kicked out of a house with four kids? She, she said well, you did it. And I was like wow, and she ended up getting incarcerated.

Mila:

Wow, yeah. So how often does divorce happen in military situations?

Dr. Porter:

I would say, just like first responders, about 50 to maybe 70%.

Ilona:

Wow.

Dr. Porter:

Adultery. I would say 80 to 100%. People can say no, there's no adultery. Let me tell you it. Wow, adultery. I would say 80 100 people. People can say no, there's no adultery. Let me tell you it's adultery. You put a person out there in the middle ocean for six months, something's gonna happen. You put a person out in the middle of the desert for six months, something's gonna happen. People say it doesn't. I've seen it all. There's so many people get divorced because of commitment to the military, not to the family. I think that's one of the biggest one. They want to stay with the military. That's their first love, not their family. And next, you know, you find them divorced.

Mila:

I think just from my understanding of how the military works. A lot of times people come back different if they're deployed, they just come back different people depends what they saw, probably where they served.

Dr. Porter:

I have a couple of cases because I was counseling I was a counselor in the service staff An individual came back and his baby kept crying and he took the baby's life because the baby wouldn't stop crying and he just had something. About two years ago, a person I knew very, very close we served together helping other veterans and he took his own life and he had five kids. He came back and he just couldn't take it.

Ilona:

The counseling couldn't help, so depression.

Dr. Porter:

It was depression, depression. He couldn't make the next rank so he was going to be forced out, forced retirement, and you know, having five kids and trying to cope with life is not that easy. We always talk about the after, the fact that you know you could have, should have, would have, and at that time I didn't know. I just know that. You know he was up for the promotion, things was going to happen, things were looking great and all of a sudden something triggered. Something triggered. He was having some issues with the family, with the spouse, and then at work, and he just walked in his office and just took his life. And that happens. And we always talk about after what could we have done different? But we try to do things different.

Dr. Porter:

I was with a young lady overseas in Guam. She tried to kill herself three times. We even did a suicide watch. I'm in the barracks with all these women and I'm watching this one sailor saying, hey, I'm not going to let you kill yourself, I'm going to do everything I can. So she would not kill herself Three times. And she wasn't even. I don't think she was even 22 years old.

Ilona:

Psychological trauma could be aggravated, and things can get worse when they're in military, because now they're really facing different types of pressures and different personalities, and so things could get out of control, not because of potentially being overseas in a war and seeing things, but other triggers.

Dr. Porter:

Right, there's no difference from a person being a firefighter, a first responder. You could have an underlying condition and then now it's triggered. We really don't know, because we all have a breaking point and we just don't know what that breaking point is.

Mila:

I just want to emphasize that the identity crisis that happens when you have to switch careers is just immense. It is just immense and I see it all the time in the employment context when people have to leave not jobs but careers that they've built for many years and have to figure out who they are outside of those careers and it is just debilitating. And I've had people who were not in the military and didn't see combat who have tried to commit suicide because they didn't understand who they were. And it's easy for us, I think, to sit here from, you know, like the third party perspective and think about, like what they could have done differently, or you know that there was a chance to have a better life for them Of course there was, but when they're in that mindset, they don't understand outside of it. You know there's this I was listening to this thing where, like, you look at, you know close up, and you see brown and you're like, oh my gosh, the world is brown.

Mila:

And then you realize it's, it's a tree and it's just the bark of the tree. And then you take a step back and it's like you see the leaves and then you take another step back. You're like, oh, there's a whole world. But when you're like in that place where you only see the bark, everything looks black. I don't think they they can can conceptualize a way out without medical assistance most of the time with veterans.

Dr. Porter:

Other veterans can help veterans and other veterans in that field can help veterans. Sometimes you want to get people help but they don't know how to get help. But then you get another person. So you know, I was a Marine just like you. Hey, you know what MOS where you're at? Oh, you know what? I remember doing something like that. Now it triggers, oh you know what. What? This guy is just like me, this girl is just like me.

Ilona:

Now I think I can get help there's a coach or a mentor that may be helpful to them after they transition right do they get paired up with anyone no, well, they do have after the fact.

Dr. Porter:

Sometimes after they get incarcerated, after they get get intake, they get the help. But unfortunately, usually when you get help is after something traumatic happens.

Ilona:

Now, do you have any positive success stories of people that sought help and sought your advocacy and turned their lives around?

Dr. Porter:

Oh, I do have quite a few success stories. North County Veterans Stand Down that we have once a year, usually a Greek Onks Ranch over in Vista, Master Chief Matt Foster and his family. Last year we made sure we placed every woman, every child, in a facility. A lot of these people turned around and found jobs within that month and then out of their temporary housing and into the facility. That's one of the stories, and there's so many of those stories that I can talk about People transitioning. All they needed was that hand up and once we gave the hand up it was outstanding.

Mila:

Sorry, will you connect me with whoever runs that organization, because maybe I can do trainings on like how to apply to jobs. I'm actually doing one right now for domestic violence victims, but I feel like I could use the same presentation and veterans could benefit from it just as well.

Mila:

How to apply for jobs, what your rights are when you are in the workplace, how to request accommodations if you have PTSD, all of those things. So maybe I could set that up. If you want to connect me with your person, I would love to do that.

Dr. Porter:

Oh yeah, he would love to hear from you and I would love you to come to our organization, eskidio, and just talk, because we're taught to get past it, get past that pain, get past what's happening in your life. So you carry that on in society like you know what. I must be a failure, so this is where I'm at now, but you're not. They're not failures and that's why we have to sit there and talk to them. And unfortunately, you may talk to them at the wrong time, when they're incarcerated, when they're about to get a divorce, when we could intervene, like because there's so many veterans out here that would give give a hand. Like me, I do it for free I would help with transitioning a service member in the family. I have no problem with that. So even with not having a budget, I'm sure there's more enough people out there give a hand to those service members.

Mila:

So we have a listener question here for you. This is from one of our listeners. They said my brother is a vet who's been struggling with housing and minor legal issues. He says no one gets it. What can I do as a family member when he is too proud to accept help?

Dr. Porter:

I like that question. That happens. It's not getting him help, it's getting your brother and you help, okay. When he sees it, he says my brother has an issue. No, no, we have an issue because it's a family. And what he can do is say, brother, let's go together and find help. Now your brother is not saying, oh, I need help, no, we need help, brother, I need this. And then find him treatment. Go to treatment together. I need this. And then find him treatment, go to treatment together. One of the things that people find out is when you're in a society with other people, like-minded like yourself, you tend to relax and throw that car down. What he's saying is my brother needs help, my brother needs help. No, no, no, we need help. And when he tells his brother this, now they go over the treatment and he sits with his brother getting treatment.

Mila:

And how beautiful is that. That like the support, the support that someone must feel immediately when you say we versus you, because it's I'm sure it's isolating, coming back and seeing the same people maybe you saw before, but you're different. It's isolating, I'm sure, it's lonely, and even that small transition of he versus we I'm sure makes a huge difference. That's great advice.

Dr. Porter:

We can't help everybody, but we can try. And as long as you give an effort, that's all you can do, because what's going to happen? You're going to exhaust your resources. You're going to exhaust yourself Now. You're going to exhaust your, your resource. You're going to exhaust yourself. Now you are going to be seeking help. Ok, I wish I knew about this before I got into divorce, because I need help, but I didn't know that.

Mila:

Thank you so much for coming. This is so informative and I think it will be helpful for a lot of people who don't know where to turn, coming out or having family members come out of the military. So, thank you, we really appreciate it.

Ilona:

Thank you, it was very. I learned a lot today that I didn't know.

Ilona:

I didn't actually think this episode could be as interesting as it ended up being because there was so much I didn't know about how it works in the military, how people that are in the military really rely on others, and that that mentality is different in the real world. I never thought of it like that and that was very interesting perspective. I think for me as a lawyer, when we deal with people who come from military, who are clients, to understand that, to kind of feel, to treat them somewhat different because of understanding where they're coming from, and their expectations.

Mila:

With more empathy.

Dr. Porter:

Definitely. Thank you all for letting me come on and express how much I really care about my veterans and about people here just in San Diego about the transitioning back into civilian life.

Mila:

Thank you.

Ilona:

Thank you for helping them.

Mila:

Dr Porter, thank you so much for your leadership, your service and your voice for veterans who need more than just thank you. They need justice.

Ilona:

And to our audience. If this episode opened your eyes, then please share it.

Mila:

This is your reminder that healing, like justice, is a team effort.

Ilona:

Her voice is so therapeutic. It's law, it's life, it's a glamorous grind. We'll see you next week.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Ilona Antonyan

Co-host
Head Shot

Mila Arutunian

Co-host