The Truth About Conflict: How To Handle it Like A Lawyer

Why do people really fight?

Most people believe they're arguing about money, parenting, work responsibilities, promotions, chores, trust, or communication. But according to experienced family law and employment attorneys, the real cause of conflict is often much deeper.

In this episode of The Glamorous Grind, employment attorney Mila Arutunian and family law specialist Ilona Antonyan break down the psychology of conflict.

Topics covered in this episode include:

- Why most conflicts are not actually about what people think they're about
- The hidden role of expectations, communication, pride, and perception
- How employment disputes can evolve into legal claims
- Red flags in romantic relationships and workplace interactions
- Healthy communication techniques for couples and professionals

One of the most valuable lessons lawyers learn is that every conflict has two stories, but usually only one underlying issue. The people who resolve conflict successfully are not necessarily the loudest, smartest, or most persuasive. They're often the most curious, the most self-aware, and the most willing to understand the other person's perspective.

Whether you're dealing with a difficult coworker, an unsupportive manager, workplace stress, marriage problems, family disagreements, co-parenting challenges, or recurring arguments that never seem to get resolved, this episode provides practical insights that can help you navigate conflict more effectively. 

Want more glam during your grind? New episodes every other Tuesday. 

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Hosts: Ilona Antonyan & Mila Arutunian
Follow us on IG: @glamorousgrindpodcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What about in the family law scope? What are the main conflicts you see that lead people to divorce?

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Most of the time it's about parenting and disagreements. Often people cannot parallel parent within the same home. What if the argument you're having with your spouse is the same exact argument you're having with your boss?

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Different people, different setting, but same conflict pattern. It's not illegal for a supervisor to dislike a subordinate and treat them badly. Creates a hostile work environment? Yes. But is it illegal? Not necessarily. As lawyers, we spend every day resolving conflicts between people at their absolute worst. And we've learned something super surprising. The fight is almost never about what people think it is. Today we're talking about something that every lawyer becomes an expert at. Conflict. And not because we enjoy fighting. Okay, well maybe we do a little, but because we spend every single day figuring out why people fight.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

The interesting part is that people almost always tell us they're fighting over one thing: money, custody, a promotion, a paid vacation. But once we dig into it, it's usually about expectations. They were never communicated.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Whether you're dealing with a difficult boss, a spouse, or a family member, the psychology is almost identical.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Today we're going to show you how lawyers break down conflict and how you can use the same techniques before you ever need to hire one. What are the most common types of conflicts you see in employment law?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

So it's really interesting because people spend so much time at work. And a lot of times there are interpersonal conflicts. People just don't like each other. And it's not illegal to dislike someone you work with. And it's not illegal for a supervisor to dislike a subordinate and treat them badly. Creates a hostile work environment, yes. But is it illegal? Not necessarily, unless it's because of a protected class or a protected complaint. And yes, there are those cases where a supervisor is a male and doesn't like women and just treats all women differently, or a supervisor doesn't like Asians and treats all Asians badly. But most of the time, the conflict that I see in the workplace is not discriminatory. It's just a personality conflict. They just don't like them. They just don't mesh. And a lot of times what I tell people is if it's just a hostile work environment because your supervisor just doesn't like you, there's not a lot I can do for you. Like find a new job because that's not illegal. And if it's not illegal, even if it's wrong, there's nothing I can do to assist. Now, sometimes you'll have conflicts that start as maybe they don't like them, but then they are mental health issues become involved and they have to take a medical leave of absence because of this conflict that's causing them anxiety and depression. And then the employer does have to accommodate that medical leave of absence. And under the law, they can't retaliate against the employee for taking that leave, even though the disability was technically caused by the hostile work environment, which was a personality conflict that was not protected, it becomes protected. So then if they come back from their leave and all of a sudden their performance is worse, they start getting write-ups, all of these things, then all of a sudden it does become a case that could potentially have value. Even though it started with an interpersonal conflict that was not protected, it rose to that place.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

How would the employee know that the unprotected conflict that then resulted in the employee going to therapy is related to that conflict?

SPEAKER_00 3:58

It doesn't matter because as soon as the employee has a mental health condition, even if it's because of work stuff, even if it's because of something unprotected, as soon as they're like, hey, I have anxiety and depression and I need to take time off, they become part of a protected class. And the employer has to try to accommodate them before firing them. So if their performance starts to suffer, the employer has to come to them and have a conversation and say, Hey, you look like you're struggling. How can I help you get better? before they write them up. If they come back and their performance sucks, and then probably does because they're depressed and anxious and on meds, and the employer is just like, screw you, your performance sucks, you're out. Then they fail to engage in the interactive process and try to accommodate them. So then they're screwing up.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

What notice would employer have that someone is having these mental health issues to be liable in any way?

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Usually the employee tells the employer as long under the law, once a supervisor has notice, the employer vicariously has notice through the supervisor. So if the employee tells the supervisor, hey, I'm having anxiety and depression, then the employer is automatically on notice. But I always recommend employees get it in writing and provide a doctor's note, or at least, you know, the employer can legally ask for a doctor's note. They don't have to take the employee's word for it. So if the employer asks for a doctor's note and the employee fails to provide it, then technically there's no protective disability that they like need to accommodate as long as they give them sufficient time to provide it and they don't, they don't really there's no duty there as much as if they provide a doctor's note or take a protected leave of absence. What I found a lot of times in employment lawsuits, having worked on both sides, is like most employers aren't trying to screw employees over. They really are trying, but they don't properly document it or they're uninformed. And because of that, these claims arise.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Obviously, if it's something that was caused as a result of something happened at work or in life and they're truly struggling, then most employers care about their employees and they want them to get well and resort back to their normal duties. But, you know, there are people out there that try to make money on this and settle without having to file a lawsuit. So then they keep changing jobs, and the next employer is not gonna know that they've settled confidentially with someone else, and this is more of a money-making machine for them. As an employer, I'm skeptical, but I'm glad to hear that that with the required documentation, it would be fair to both. So that both parties have a good faith.

SPEAKER_00 6:46

And it's important to note that employees don't have an indefinite duty to accommodate forever, right? It has to be reasonable. They can set expectations, but like if the employee, for example, the doctor says you can only work X amount of days per week or X amount of hours per week, puts them on intermittent leave, for example. The employer does have to set their expectations accordingly based on the doctor's recommendations and limitations, but that doesn't have to be indefinite. They can say, when can you return to work full throttle? And they have to really assess is it an undue burden on the business to keep this employee? As long as in writing they make that assessment and they're really looking into like, how can we help this person? But also, like, we have a business to run. We need to be making money and we can't help them forever. Yeah. As long as it's documented that that's done, most plaintiff's attorneys who get that documentation and see that the employer actually like tried in good faith, are not gonna expect this to be a hundred thousand dollar settlement. They're gonna be like, well, employer tried, like they did what they had to do under the law and they couldn't accommodate longer. Most reasonable plaintiff's attorneys are not gonna take that case and like fight it to the death.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

I mean, I'm glad those laws exist in California to protect vulnerable people because when I think back of former Soviet Union or Armenia, like nobody gave a shit about their employees.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

But I think it's always interesting to me how it interlays both employment with family life, because I see it on both ends where things are really bad at people's works, and then you know, they go home and their family is their punching bag, and it oftentimes does lead to interpersonal conflict and divorce. And then similarly, if they're struggling at home, they'll come home and they can't be their best self, they can't perform well because they have all these things on their mind. So, two rules don't bring it home from work and don't bring it from home to work. Yeah, right. Like, but we are all human, so yeah. Sometimes it's uh it is hard to compartmentalize.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

It reminds me of my first, well, not my first job, but after high school, I I had a job where I was going door to door selling merchant services, and every day before we came to the office, we had to like throw the ball to each other, and there was loud music, and you had to like high-five everyone when you come in, and everybody had to be in a good mood and be all pumped out before you go out in the field. And sometimes you were just not in the mood. One of those days was when my boyfriend that I loved very much at that time cheated on me and broke up, and I was so heartbroken because I was like 17 or 18. No, I was like 18. And I had to come. Well, I was crying. I came to the office and I was really sad, and I was definitely not in the mood to do high fives and be all in a good mood. But the manager said, You gotta leave it at the door, it doesn't matter what happens. When you come to work, you gotta leave it at the door. And I thought at that point it was so cold. Like, how can you not care? I'm so heartbroken. But I had to do what I had to do, so I checked it at the door. I took that advice, I still remember to date, and I just plugged in and went along with the program.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

But you being able to do that is probably why you are where you are now. Most people can't turn off their emotions. And I think, in terms of how to approach these complicks, you and I have had so many conversations about this with having spouses and having kids and having heavy careers and coming home and having to like be mom and like happy, and it's very hard.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

Everybody wants a kiss and a hug, no matter what happens to you during the day.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

I know it sometimes literally come home, especially as women, and you're just in a bad mood. And it's not because you're mad at anyone, you just like had a rough day. I think the most important thing is to approach it, at least from my experience and from my perspective and what I try to do in my intrapersonal conflicts, both at work and at home with clients, with you know, colleagues, with spouses, is to try to approach things from logic rather than from emotion. And it's so much easier said than done because our innate reaction is to be emotional and to like scream and yell. And I don't always succeed. A lot of times I will like I screw up more at home than I do at work in terms of like letting my emotions show. I try not to let that happen at work. But if I think if you approach every conflict from a logical perspective as like a third-party viewer, as opposed to someone who's in it, if you can like literally just rise above and be like, what is really happening here? Why am I feeling this way? Why is this other person feeling this way? What is this conflict really about? Because a lot of times it's not about what you're arguing about, it's about something else, perception, pride, and try to like be empathetic towards the other person involved and form your response logically based on that. I think it just avoids a lot of a long-term turmoil.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

Okay, when people are hot-headed and they're in the moment, it's very hard to just look at it from the next level and be like, okay, how do I mediate the conflict between us? Some people shut down and they let the other person vent because they don't want to make things worse. And um, the other person wants feedback or some sort of acknowledgement that this one understands what they're trying to communicate, yet there's a disagreement over the main principles they're arguing over, and feedback from person A will just make things worse. And this one says, You don't get it. I mean, it's sometimes better to be quiet and sometimes it's not. I think it depends if you're dealing with someone who is emotionally stable who's your partner or not, because some people walk on eggshells and they're stuck in abusive relationships, and there is no reason because anything can trigger a fight and a code word is not gonna work. Yeah, that's true. So it depends.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

In a normal relationship where someone has self-awareness and knows how to stop and understands that if you don't take out the garbage, once someone asks you right away within five minutes, the other person, meaning me, is gonna take, I'm gonna take it out, and then I'm gonna be mad about it because I just told you to do it and you didn't do it. So just learning about each other and what you want in a relationship so that small things don't get out of control in terms of resentment, too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

What about in the family law scope? What are the main conflicts you see that lead people to divorce?

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Most of the time it's about parenting and disagreements. Um, often people cannot parallel parent within the same home and they pick at each other over, you know, random things, daily life and routines that they disagree with. Additionally, money and um poor communication or distrust, cheating, questioning the other party, uh, even if someone is not doing anything wrong, just general distrust that stems from insecurities from childhood or past relationships that pour over and impact the current relationship.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Do you think it's necessarily the conflict itself or how people handle the conflict that makes them want to break up?

SPEAKER_01 14:14

I think, of course, it's always how you handle the conflict and how you communicate and how you react and perceive conflict. So you're either able to talk it out or sometimes be silent and let it go and accept to and agree to disagree and just do your own thing, or you'll find it so annoying that it's gonna eat you alive where you're not gonna be interested in being next to the person or hold their hand or sleep next to them or do anything with them and it can ruin your entire day. I mean, naturally, we understand we've all been there in a variety of relationships, but but comes down to how you handle it.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

I think communication is so important. I mean, I've had so many times where there have been conflicts in both family life and uh work or in friendships, and I'm like, if I just reacted better, none of this would happen. If I just reacted more calmly or more logically, none of this would be an issue.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

I think it's always looking 10 years back or 20 years back. Like I was thinking about it the other day too, and I was like, well, I remember the moment where if I would have not reacted like an idiot, if I would have just been quiet or not said something mean back when I was younger, then things would have been totally different. But there's a chain effect, your words have so much power that and the best advice I can give is do not use words that you will later regret. Yeah. Like do not make threats, you're gonna go, you're gonna get a divorce if you don't mean it. That hurts. I know that you know some people like to do that, but don't do that. It like it, you either are not gonna be taken seriously, you're gonna make the other person feel very insecure, and then that's gonna cause them to annoy you because they're gonna be insecure about your relationship and you leaving them, and then they're gonna be checking your cell phone and your text messages, and you're just gonna dig a hole for yourself you don't want, just because you threatened a divorce when you're mad. I know.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

I tend to say really mean things when I'm mad, like really mean things to everyone. Like, if I get really mad, I'm just very mean. And I remember one time my mom did this experiment with me. She like grabbed me and she like took me to the bathroom. She took a thing of toothpaste and she's like, take this toothpaste out. And I'm like, what the hell? She's like, take it out. Let's me, you know, like pour it out. And I did it. She's like, okay, now put it back in. And I was like, what? She's like, put it back in. I was like, I can't. She's like, Yeah, that's your words. She's like, You can never take stuff back. Think before you speak. I know you don't mean this stuff, but don't say it. And I'm like, oh shit. Until I do it.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

I do the balls of us say things we regret that we sometimes wish we didn't say or said differently. Yeah. I'm talking about mean words in a relationship that can deeply hurt someone's soul. Yeah. That is putting someone down when you don't have to, like demeaning someone. I think demeaning is a no-no.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

I think being a lawyer definitely helped uh me handle conflict in personal life and in legal. I mean, being a lawyer, you look at everything through a legal lens, right? What are defenses? What are cause of actions? What are the risks? Because whether it's business or personal relationship, when it impacts you personally or your business interests, you need someone else more neutral to help you see it from a different perspective. Yeah. Because you get it, but whether you're gonna do the right thing when it's impacting you personally, right thing for yourself and others, sometimes I feel like being a lawyer has made me worse in my personal life.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

And I see all these memes like, oh, don't ever marry a lawyer because X, Y, and Z. And it talks about how horrible like lawyer wives and girlfriends are. But I think it's true. Sometimes I just like feel this need to fight for my position, even when it doesn't matter, even when I like know that I'm causing more like trauma than it's solving, and it's just about pride. And it's like, no, but I'm right because this is why.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

Blessing and occurs, we can argue different positions. Yes. If anyone says anything to us, there is always something to say back to defend ourselves and make a different argument in favor of whatever it is we're persuading them. So the art of persuasion can bite you in the ass in a personal relationship for sure, but I'd rather have it than not.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

Okay, guys, it's time for a red flag, green flag. This time, we've had people write in their unhinged romantic and workplace relationship scenarios, and you guys did not disappoint. So, is this behavior a red flag? Kind of petty, vaguely toxic, or a green flag? We see that you're trying.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Who's first? Your boyfriend Venmos you $8.43 for your half of the toilet paper.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Uh red flag? Unless you're cheap and you send him a request. I just feel like that whole thing, I don't I'm very old school, whether you're in a relationship or married, to me, it's like if you're together and you're in a place where you use toilet paper together, you can pay for each other's toilet paper. I mean, some men, I understand, as I understand it, some men expect like 50-50 on everything, which I don't understand at all. It's like, of course, sometimes women will make more, but I don't know, if you're buying toilet paper and you like Venmo someone, I'd I'd rather have a man be like, oh, let me buy you this. You know what else it's like? Let me bring you a coffee for $8.43, not like, oh, here's money for your toilet paper.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

It's also sending a message that it I expect you to Venmo me back 50% of whatever we buy at the store in the future. Yeah. Anyways, that's kind of non-attractive.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Unless she set the rules, maybe that's their thing. Well, I don't think she would be asking about this if she set those rules. I agree. Okay, my turn. Okay. After a disagreement with a friend, they text you. I've been thinking about our conversation, and I realized you were right about a few things. Oh, of course. That's so nice.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

Friend with insight and self-awareness. Yes, that is nice. Must have talked to Chad GPT a little bit, talked it out.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

I have those moments where I'll like think about something and I'll like text people and be like, hi. Or I'll like text people randomly and be like, hi, I just wanted to let you know I love you and miss you after like five years of not talking. I just have those like little things. Because I feel like the people in my life are in my life forever. I just like love them. And uh, even if I don't talk to them for 10 years, I have girlfriends from high school and we all have kids and we all have husbands and we're busy and we don't see each other. But every once in a while they'll get my text of like just a reminder that I love you forever.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

You know what's been really nice. And the last week, I got texts from two friends that I've not heard from for over six years. Wow. Yeah, and one already has a kid, it's like over six. It's like so cool that within a week, like all of a sudden, one is a friend from law school. It was really close with him back in the days. And it's nice to hear from them. But yeah, when you don't talk to friends you have a strong connection with from the past, it's like you just plug back in as if it's nothing.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

But I think it's also important to have friends who are, like you said, self-aware and can admit when they're like wrong. That's really important. Your husband ends a disagreement with wow, my therapist says that's your trauma talking. Red flag or green flag? Red flag. Yeah. I mean, if talk about demeaning.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Aside from that, what people normally tell their therapist is only their version of the story from their perspective. Yeah. And their therapist. Well, may come to certain conclusions and sometimes may misdiagnose the other person based only on one version of events. Yes, that is the meaning. That's a red flag. That's not cool. One should not do that.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

I want to answer this one personally and point a big red flag because if your husband says that's your trauma talking instead of being like, sweetheart, let's talk about this. Clearly, you're still traumatized from your childhood. That is extremely unempathetic and not someone you should be with. Let's do this one for you.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Muela, red or green flag. Your boss schedules a meeting called Quick Chat with no agenda, no description, just tomorrow at 4 45 p.m.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

You're my boss, so this is a true question. Um red flag, probably. I I mean, I think that probably there should be like an email or something being like, hey, like let's have a meeting about this. That's just scary. Like most people I talk to that that happens to, they're usually fired. So I would say if there's like no warning, no understanding of what the meeting is about, I would probably not be happy about that.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

I would say it's neutral because it could be a quick chat about something that they put on calendar that had no time to buzz your text you.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

I don't know. Being a boss, like I feel like if I did that to any of my staff members, they would be like free.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

Oh, I agree. People normally, you know, unless they're in your position where they can talk to their boss all the time at any time and text all the time, then I would I agree it would be scary and people would think that they're getting fired. Yeah. All right, Mila, red flag or green flag? Your boss says, I've noticed you've seemed overwhelmed lately. Is there something I can do to support you?

SPEAKER_00 23:50

That's such a green flag. And actually, you've done that before where you're where you have done that to me. I think it's important for bosses to be cognizant of, you know, all leaders. If you're a good leader, you want your employees to feel like their workload is manageable because that's the only way they're gonna produce excellent work product. So if they do seem overwhelmed and overstimulated, at the end of the day, they're gonna be less efficient and it's gonna be bad for your business. So, to the extent you can provide support, even if you know there's nothing you can do, just saying that makes the employee feel so supported and they're gonna perform better, they're gonna have more loyalty for the company, they're gonna feel less overwhelmed because they will feel like they have some backbone.

SPEAKER_01 24:35

No, I think that's important. Um, it's also important for the team to be supportive of their coworkers and know that if someone needs to time off, that they can also do that and feel free to take the day if they need to.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

Okay, one more red flag from for you, Iloon. Never mind. Your partner makes a PowerPoint presentation about why you're wrong with charts. Psycho. Believe is this a professional relationship.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

That's not gonna be a healthy relationship going forward. Yeah, true. But like charts. Well, he could be an accountant, he could have used Chad GPT or something to make a chart. He probably, you know, was at some therapeutic sessions with Claude or Chad GPT, which said, Hey, do you want me to draw a convincing presentation for you? But even saying yes to that or doing it yourself from scratch is psycho.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yeah. I mean, here's the thing in the middle of a conflict, most people are not gonna admit that they're wrong. You can put all the facts in front of them, but they're gonna be in their mindset. You gotta give it some time, you gotta let them think it out, and then you have to talk about it from a logical position.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

But if you're making charts, that means you've been keeping count on your cell phone or elsewhere and documenting things for a while to be able to prove to the other person of some some sort of statistic uh that's probably self-serving to a certain extent, and make them feel like they're crazy or are wrong, meaning you're gaslighting them. And that is just so unhealthy that'll lead not just to emotional abuse, but possibly could be aggravated to other domestic violence in the future.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Emotional abuse to begin with.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 26:13

Like, what kind of man does that? And if he sits you down, like you have to listen to this, that's also if you have this much free time to make PowerPoint presentations, like get a certain better. Go to the gym overtime, go to the gym, build some muscles, take your creatine, eat your protein, drink your water.

SPEAKER_01 26:31

See a man. Let's see what questions we have from our viewers. Oh, it's a long one. Let's get gritty. For let's get gritty. We've got an advice question from Reddit. The user asks, what are interviewers hoping to hear when they ask about how you handle conflict? In general, I'm terrible at such open-ended questions, and they always seem to want more than quote, I'm generally pretty non-confrontational, but we'll try to work to consensus when needed. It is so open-ended, it's hard. If it was highly specific, I would probably come up with how I'd handle a very specific scenario. But without specifics, I'm left overthinking and uncertain, as it's impossible to say if it's something meaningless, like someone being annoying, where I should just put my headphones in and ignore their annoying habits while focusing on my work, or the opposite extreme, with someone being malicious to a degree that I should report them to HR and management. So it's situational. Engineering jobs for reference with no management authority myself.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

What are they looking for? I mean, what I look for in an interview, I almost always ask that question. One of the questions I ask in every interview is give me a situation where there has been a conflict with a supervisor or colleague, and how did you handle it? I asked that question too. I mean, what I personally look for is basically uh, you know, not emotionally. I handle the conflict in a very collaborative way where I try to be empathetic to the other person's position and find a solution that works for both ends.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

I would not believe this answer. I would dig deeper. It sounds too perfect and too general.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

Well, yes, but generally, right? I mean, it of course, if you provide a specific situation, it's one thing. Yes. But generally, that's how I would want my people to handle conflicts. Because at the end of the day, it's inevitable when you work with someone, you are going to have conflict with people you work with. They're there, you're two different people. You're never gonna be on the same page on everything. But how do you solve that conflict in a way that isn't emotional?

SPEAKER_01 28:43

I'm looking for a specific response, an honest response. If it sounds too perfect, like they prep that answer, that's a red flag to me that they probably had problems and conflicts at work that weren't handled well, and they just learn this blanket statement that they say, and I then dig deeper and I cross-examine.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

I mean, we I ask for specific situations too. But if people and I've had situations where I did not hire people based solely on their response to this question, and their response showed a way that they handle it that was too confrontational, too hostile, not professional enough, and too emotional. And I don't want people like that on my team.

SPEAKER_01 29:26

I heard somebody say once that they quit because they don't like their co-workers, right? And they didn't give it a chance and didn't go to HR, they didn't report it to anyone. Yeah, that's a red flag to me because I think if you don't like something, you should give the employer a chance to resolve it. Yeah. But sometimes it's not the right culture, it's not the right place. Yeah. So, you know, it's better for someone to leave rather than stay. And going back to his question, he said, what are they looking for?

SPEAKER_00 29:57

I would say give specifics, give the situations. I think when employers ask that, they're looking to see what your personality is like because that's important. How are you gonna work with other people? How are you gonna deal with conflict when it arises? Because it inevitably will arise in every workplace.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

Anyone reacts to conflict depending on the circumstances and what happened, and that is exactly your question. So say it depends, and then give examples from your past experiences that'll give employer an idea of how you personally handle conflict. I recommend not to lie, not to make it sound like you're so great at handling conflict. Just be honest because it's either going to be a right fit for you to be at that place, or there could be a better opportunity for you if it's not.

SPEAKER_00 30:43

Yeah. And I would say that it is important to be honest in interviews in every aspect because when employers ask these questions, it's really important not only to determine whether or not you'd be a good fit for the company, but also whether the company would be a good fit for you. Every company has its own culture, has its own ways. And most of the time, if they're asking questions like this and they want to see whether or not you'd be a good fit, they're also evaluating it based on the company and how it is, because every company is different. Some companies are more aggressive and it is a little more hostile, and that's just kind of the cult the culture or the nature of the beast of the industry they're in. Whereas other companies are way more like laid back and taking it easy and everyone's chill, and it may or may not be a good fit for you.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

Look, most employers want to keep their employees long term, unless it's a job that's posted as a temp position. Then if you're hired, the employer is interested in keeping you with them as long as possible because they invest in training you. You build relationships with coworkers, you know how the business operates, there's value in that. So it's in everyone's interest to make it work. And employer wants to keep their employees happy and accommodate them. And this employee should be honest during their interview what they're really like, because the goal is for it to be a good culture fit for both, so that it could lead to long-term employment.

SPEAKER_00 32:13

I think it's funny a lot of people will say, Oh, this company has so much turnover, they're so hostile, but no one talks about how much the employer is paying for the turnover. It is so expensive to hire employees to train them, then to off-board them, then to try and retain new employees, hire recruiters to find good fits. Like it's very expensive. No employer will voluntarily have high turnover. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

It's just, you know, in reality, it's hard to hire because people make their best impression during interview. And then you really see what they're like as a person, how they truly react to different circumstances and how they work with others and what their pro work product is like, you know, within 90 to 120 days. Yeah. For our glam tip today, we have some advice for someone who keeps having the same fight over and over again.

SPEAKER_00 33:11

So you're having the same fight with your boss or co-worker over and over again. I would recommend, depending on the circumstances, the fight about work is the fight because you're being treated differently or badly or worse than other people. Depending on whether or not you're being treated differently because of a protected class, maybe they don't like you because you're disabled. In that case, I would go to HR. In either way, having long-term conflicts in the workplace is not sustainable, not for the employee and not for the employer. So definitely address it uh quicker rather than like let it sit to the extent you can request to be moved to a different position, away from the coworker, away from the supervisor, under someone else's supervision. I mean, eventually that causes people to probably have mental health issues. People don't even anticipate how much their work environment and their conflicts at work affect their daily lives. So I would say address it as quickly as possible. Go to HR. If there is no HR department, go to a supervisor, talk it out, see what they recommend, see if there's another position they can put you into. And most importantly, make sure everything is in writing. So if later you're terminated or demoted because of this complaint that you made, you have that written record to show that it is potentially retaliatory.

SPEAKER_01 34:37

Because you live in America, and here you have rights that they don't have in other countries. When people fight over the same thing over and over again when it comes to couples, they should have a code word when it gets out of control. To say, okay, we're fighting over the same thing, we're probably not gonna agree. And you already know that this is just gonna lead to a spiral of anger and argument and resentment and cold shoulder over the next few days. So one of them has to stop and say the cold word. There'll be an agreement, let's go our separate ways or take a break, calm down.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

My husband and I will sometimes, like, if we're having an argument, and it's always about something stupid that doesn't matter, like, oh, you cut the avocado wrong, but then it just spirals out of control to something. And I'll just be like, you know what? Let's take a break. Let's have dinner, let's have a nice dinner, and then we'll like pick this up afterwards. And then by the time it's like, okay, let's fight again, it's like, wait, that doesn't even matter. Like, none of it really matters. You look at the big picture scope of things, and most of the things you're arguing about, unless it's like really big foundational problems, most arguments, especially that spouses have, like, aren't that significant as long as you're on the same page on the primary foundational thing.

SPEAKER_01 36:04

Every conflict has two stories, but usually only one underlying issue. And the people who resolve conflict best aren't the loudest or even most informed, they're the most curious.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

If today's episode helped you see one of your own recurring arguments differently, send it to someone you keep having that argument with. Let's resolve it. Hit that subscribe button and make sure to follow us. And if you've got a question for Let's Get Ready, leave it in the comments or send it to podcast at antonianmiranda.com.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time on the glamourus grind.